As we all know, Astrology is a belief that the relative positions of the celestial bodies can predict the personalities and affairs of individuals. I have discovered a far more accurate and precise method of predicting an individuals fortune and personal traits based on the much more accurate science of bowel movements. Like traditional Astrology, everybody can be divided into 12 groups, or Houses. Unlike celestial astrology, the 12 houses represent not the dates of birth, but the 12 possible bowel movements each person may have on any one day. I then use a complex and mysterious set of axioms to determine your own personal shitoscope reading.
Before I use my mystical powers to tell your fortunes, I will first need to introduce you to the twelve “Shit Houses”:
1. Rusty Water
Diarrhea also known as arse piss or anal firewater
2. Ghost Turd
A stool of which there is no trace when one stands up to admire it
3. Dead Otter
A single stool of immense proportions
4. Copper Bolt
Large or heavy stool also known as a Depth Charge or Belly Flopper
5. Anal Delight
Soft light brown fluffy chocolate or butterscotch coloured pudding served in a large porcelain bowl
6. Baking One
The act of not going for a shit when you really ought to
7. Bum Goblin
A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out from behind you, casting a painful spell on your ringpiece
8. Shitterish Allsorts
A single lavatorial sitting that produces a pot-pourri of stool consistencies from copper bolts to a rusty water geyser and all points between. Aka Bomb Bay Mix
9. Bovril Bullets
Peppering the porcelain with brown shot
10. Brown Lilo
A buoyant Tom Tit that, left alone, will eventually float out to sea
11. Fizzy Gravy
The condition where the sufferer alternates between having wild squirts and normal bowel movements throughout the day
Once you have had your daily bowel movement(s) and determined your "Shit House", look up your Shitoscope below, and prepare to be amazed at the accuracy of this amazing new phenomenon.
You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them.
At times you have serious doubts whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing.
Most of the time you are positive and cheerful, but there has been a time in the past where you were very upset. You have a tendancy to be critical of yourself.
You are a very kind and considerate person, but when somebody does something to break your trust, you feel deep-seated anger.
Disciplined and self controlled on the outside, you tend to be insecure inside.
you are mostly shy and quiet, but when the mood strikes you, you can easily become the center of attention.
You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof.
You have found it unwise to be frank in revealing yourself to others. You have a great need for people to like and admire you.
Some of your aspirations tend to be very unrealistic. You feel great sometimes, other times you feel like hiding away.
You are trying to go the way you want to go and are beginning to succeed. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage.
At times you are extraverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved.
You need close relationships but at the same time hate being restricted by them.
Please let me know how acurate I am, hopefully we can replace the daily horoscopes in a National newspaper with my new Shitoscopes.
BTW. Thanks to Viz’s Roger’s Profanisaurus and some random Barnum statements from the web.