Following last night's Simon Singh rally at the Penderels Oak and the ruling passed by Justice Eady on the meaning of Simon’s article, I have been doing some thinking. Whilst the UK still has libel laws that allow us to attempt to silence valid criticism, I have decided to launch my own range of new alternative medicines, and sue anyone who claims they are bogus. Here are my first three remedies:
It has long been recognised that the ancient Chinese came up with some pretty crazy shit, but people still lap it up nonetheless. One of the best kept secrets of alternative Chinese medical wisdom is the ancient technique of arse candling. Arse candling is recommended by quacks, lunatics and general fuckwits as the most effective way to cure those annoying and itchy bum grapes that so many of us suffer from. The technique simply requires shoving a large candle up your arsehole and lighting the bloody thing. There have been a few minor side effects (known as dragons arse), reported by some of the more flatulent patients, but this is a small price to pay for such insanity. WooWax brand Arse Candles will soon be available in your local Chemist at extortionate prices
Vinddox is a unique Indian tincture that provides all of the non-existent benefits of colonic irrigation. The tincture is made of a special collection of herbs including Coriander, Garlic, Ginger, Chillies, Onions and Tomatoes. To increase the effectiveness of this special tincture it is recommended to add either lamb or chicken and to take the medicine with rice, naan bread and 2 large bottles of Cobra. The treatment should ideally be applied before bedtime; this allows the medicine to work while you sleep allowing a full anal apocalypse the following morning that will purge your delicate intestines of all its shit. To combat the side effect of ring sting, some practitioners recommend sticking a toilet roll in the fridge the night before.
Delicate manipulation of the body has been unsuccessfully used by chiropractors and reflexologies as a means of treating all sorts of ailments such as halitosis, dementia, itchy tits and even the dreaded man-flu. While these techniques show the placebo benefits you would expect, they fail to be as effective as possible due to the restraint inherent in the techniques. The new treatment of cricket batting addresses this issue by administering a more brutal treatment. Patients are recommended to have 3 separate treatment sessions, ideally a few months apart to allow for the bruising and swelling that may occur to subside before the next application. If you are lucky enough to find a competent cricket batting practitioner, he will lay you face down on the bed and proceed to twat you with a cricket bat until you beg for mercy and promise to stop being such a gullible pillock.
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