Tuesday 9 June 2009

Yet More Trick or Treatment

Following Justice Eady’s illiberal ruling on the BCA Versus Simon Singh case last month, I posted a blog proposing some new sham alternative medicine procedures, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to scientifically defend the efficacy of my treatments, just sue anyone who criticised my claims. However, I have since learnt that suing may be counterproductive and simply make the public aware of the inefficacy of my treatments. Not overly deterred by this, I have come up with another new alternative medical treatment that I shall administer myself…..

Mammary Energy Balancing

As all credulous bimbos know, there is an invisible force that surrounds our bodies. It is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. This force, or energy, is sometimes referred to by Certified Woo Doctors as “Che-Kra”; although in more enlightened circles the term “bollocks” is preferred.

After extensive training I have learnt to master the manipulation of this energy force and have the ability to realign and balance this energy for maximum health benefits. Che-Kra can sometimes pool in the mammary glands of especially buxom and attractive young ladies. Che-Kra frequently forms in unequal quantities in each mammary gland, or as we professional energy balancing practitioners like to call them, tits. This can cause energy imbalances that can lead to serious feminine medical conditions such as chocolate addiction, compulsive obsessive nagging disorder, the lunar cycle curse, and telephone dependence.

My revolutionary new mammary balancing treatment is the ideal remedy for such ailments. Treatment is administered by placing the palms of my hands over your firm naked jugs and feeling for the energy fields, gentle manipulation of each hooter will allow me to judge the Che-Kra levels within, and a series of rubbing and stroking procedures will help realign your energy levels.

Particularly generous fun bags are prone to attract negative Che-Kra life force; you should never underestimate the dark side of the force, which is why I have developed a revolutionary new technique to quash this negative energy. By placing my face directly between your dirty pillows and moving my head from side to side whilst reciting the mystical incantation “Wubba Wubba” the negative energy can be channelled away.

If this recognised procedure somehow fails to correctly align and balance the energy levels, I can administer intense energy rebalancing by physically sucking out the negative Che-Kra through nature’s supplied energy imbalance portals, or tit-ends.

Treatment session typically last for 30 minutes, or until I have applied my unique protein-enriched pearlescent ointment to the affected area, after which, I generally lose interest. Sessions are normally conducted on a one to one basis, although special rates can be arranged if you bring along an attractive friend for a simultaneous session.

If you would like to make an appointment for treatment, firstly email me a photograph so I can assess your suitability or give me a ring. NB Hang up straight away if the wife answers.


Carmen D'Cruz said...

You mean that was only a joke? Damn, I was about to enquire about mastering this skill.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir

If your new therapy proves successful*, I would like to study, as it were, under the hands of the master, so that I might start my own practice.


Note that to avoid the claims of the vicious and unbelieving, I do not specify to whom this success applies.

Zeno said...

You really should know better, Crispian!

Buyer Beware the Brassage? The Naked Truth About 'Healthy' Underwear


Of course, the pusher of this particular woo is a chiroquacktor (listen right to the end of the video)!

There's nowt stranger than woo.

Anonymous said...

Can't stop laughing at this.

Anonymous said...

Just remembered this:
Lolquacks Reiki.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, ooh; I'll pay for a weekend class as long as there are hot, er, young afflicted women to practice on, uh, with.

Anonymous said...

"Wubba Wubba"

Honestly the funniest thing I've read in years. Thanks for that.

Ya know, I think the whole skeptics/American Pie style thing could be a new niche that would go down well in the skeptical movement (especially when you consider the demographics).

Craig A. Mullenbach said...

f-ing hilarious...again. Nice job. It's only a matter of time before PZ finds your blog...

clodhopper said...

Does it work on man boobs?

Rabbit Rescue said...

pics or it didn't happen.