Sunday 23 June 2019

Who You Gonna Call? (A brief guide to finding the right person to exorcise unwanted spirits, ghosts and daemons from your home.)

For centuries we have experienced emotive paranormal experiences in our homes where the spirit world overlaps with our own. Numerous scientists have been systematically dismissive about many of the multitude of reports of hauntings, paranormal activities and the general feeling of the presence of spirits in our homes yet they have failed to provide believable scientific explanations for such phenomenon. However, most of us have either experienced something ourselves, or know someone who has experienced or felt an eerie atmosphere that simply cannot be explained by conventional science.

Such activity may be related to a property sitting on a ley line where mystical energy may be concentrated thus allowing spirts to pass more freely into our world. Hauntings are often also caused by a traumatic death or suicide in the property where the soul has been unable to find peace and under certain conditions may be witnessed still trapped between our worlds. Many curiosities may also be related to other-worldly entities such as angels, sprites of even piskies. Such inexplicable activity is less frequently reported as many of those witnessing such ineffable creatures fear ridicule or reprisal from their more closed-minded friends and acquaintances.

Traditionally the church has used priests to exorcise evil spirits or demons from our homes but as there is such a plethora of metaphysical disturbances causing these various phenomena, a more specific skill is frequently required to correctly target the appropriate miscreant and successfully cleanse the house. Thanks to the advent of the internet it is now possible to more easily find clairvoyants, ghost hunters, psychics’, cryptozoologists and exorcists who can appropriately coax the mystical entities away.

The key therefore to successfully purging your house is therefore in identify the specific type of paranormal activity you have in order to select the correct professional to call. This article outlines four of the most common types of hauntings, disturbances and presences and then identifies the best professional suited for that particular phenomenon.

1. Energy Phantasmas.

Energy phantasmas are a common cause of many hauntings. Essentially, outer-bodied phantasmas from another plane can use their energy to effect physical objects in our world. This often manifests itself in mystical events such as the lights unexpectedly dimming or flashing or even turning themselves on or off without any human interventions. Such entities may also cause certain appliances to stop working or work intermittently or unpredictably. The best type of professional for inexplicable phenomena such as this is an NICEIC certified electrician.

2. Whomping Wraiths.

Whomping wraiths are disruptive spirits who delight in causing mischief and disruption. People are often alerted to their presence by a haunting metallic banging sound often within the walls of the house or even under the floorboards. Whomping wraiths can bang and rattle for hours without any visible evidence of their presence, however they can be easily exorcised and banished from most houses by a competent plumber.

3. Eerie Atmospheres.

Eerie atmospheres are left in the wake of demonic fallen angels as they pass through the worlds leaving their lingering stench behind them. They can be detected by their distinctive smell and are often accompanied by a euphoric satanic state of consciousness designed to lure you into their fiendish underworld. Such creatures are highly dangerous and if you detect one in your house you should call a Corgi registered gas engineer as soon as possible.

4. Cornish Piskies.

Cornish Piskies are prankish magical creatures that scurry about in the loft or cellar, steal food and often leave a magical trail of small brown crumbs. They are best eradicated by a rodent control specialist.

Hauntings my arse.
June 2019

Monday 29 October 2018

Top Twats - Brexit Edition

I have always been of the general disposition that national referendums are not the most cunning of alleged cunning plans. Indeed, since the 2016 EU referendum I have become totally convinced that they are positively cataclysmic. On paper, our hard won democracy seems like an ideal system of government. When gaps however emerge between our toothless electoral governance and advances in cyber manipulation, democracy becomes a convenient method for disguising the mercenary whims of newspaper editors, tyrannical foreign despots, selfish billionaire lobbyists and extremist political strategists as the independent will of the people. In the absence of enough reliable evidence and undisputed facts in the run up to the 2016 EU referendum the Remain campaign ostensively settled for complacency whilst the more creative architects of the Vote Leave campaign were able to distort, cherry pick and even fabricate un-evidenced facts via a steady drumbeat of easily parroted mantras, misleading memes and brightly painted buses that chimed with the pre-existing beliefs and veiled prejudices of much of the populace.

Twenty eight months after the referendum more accurate analysis has become available, definitive facts have emerged and tragic scenarios have played out that clearly demonstrate that Brexit is bad for our economy, bad for the future of our younger generations, bad for “just in time” manufacturing, bad for the collective advancement of science, technology and medicine, bad for the staffing of the NHS, bad for trade, bad for logistics and catastrophic for the Northern Ireland peace process. A truly strong and stable government would not require a People’s Vote to reassess the situation we now find ourselves in. It would act decisively in the best interests of the country and its citizens rather than continue to trifle in its deeply flawed and universally unpopular Chequers plan. A plan that is plainly detrimental to our future but nonetheless crucially appeases the mere advisory will of a slim majority of people who on a particular day in June 2016, (following a misleading and ill-informed campaign that broke the rules of Electoral Commission), thought it might be a bit of fun to leave the EU. I am therefore at a loss to envisage another way out of this deep political predicament other than chucking another round of ill-conceived democracy at the problem and asking the people if the deal negotiated (assuming there is one), is still what they really want in the cold light of day.

I was reminded on Facebook the other day that we are all entitled to our own opinions. True enough. We are not however entitled to our own facts. The facts are, quite simply, the facts. It would be reassuring to imagine that our entitled opinions are based on these unequivocal facts. It is a sage and valiant person indeed who is able to reconsider and upgrade their opinions based on newly emerging facts. Human nature alas ensures that rather than suffer the embarrassment of conceding that our previous opinion is now out of synch with the newly available facts, we instead consciously or unconsciously un-objectively select or tinker with the facts to bend them into something that allows us to justify our original opinion. As such there is no guarantee that the results of a People’s Vote would accurately reflect the clear evidence now available. I am therefore forced to stoop to the same underhand tactics adopted by the Leave campaign and compile a set of Top Twat cards that will hopefully appeal to your ideology, reiterate tired and dodgy quotes and resort to poorly reasoned ad-hominem attacks in a desperate attempt to try and sway your opinion based on emotion rather than actuality. I will however endeavour to do my best to make my ad-hominem attacks as creative as I am able.

Incidentally the fifty-two cards I have devised and assembled below comprise a rather motley crew of suspects. if I were foolish enough to rely solely on the argument from authority to form my opinions it would be quite easy to browse the listed names below and, even without any knowledge or understanding of the issue in question, conclude that this is not a group whose membership I seek. Indeed, if I were to find myself on the same side of the argument as this bunch of reprobates, then I would want to seriously reconsider if I was actually on the right-side of the debate after all. If the likes of Tommy Robinson, Katie Hopkins, Donald Trump, David Icke and Jacob Rees Mogg are in favour of something, experience tells me to be immediately and deeply suspicious of it.

Feel free to copy and share as you see fit and even print them out and have a game or two on the train on the way to the next protest march. I would of course be extremely grateful if you could link back to this original posts and include my Twitter handle: @Crispian_Jago

Finally for those whose depraved childhood has left them unfamiliar with the rules of the game, here’s a link.

Caricatures created with iToon

Crispian Jago
October 2018