Spine Wizards and other Woo-Woo Therapists

Some time ago I heard Robin Ince refer to chiropractors as “Spine Wizards”, and I’m glad to see that the term seems to be picking up a bit of currency recently. I assume Robin coined the phrase, let me know if you think otherwise.

Anyway, this got me to wondering if we could think up some more good terms for the other alternative therapies. Here’s a few suggestions to get you started. Please fell free to post your suggestions in the comments field.


Buggeropathy v. colonic irrigation. To shove a garden hose up ones jacksie

Decashification n. detoxification. A cunning marketing ploy involving eating less and spending more.

Dilution Druid n. homeopath. One who prepares impotent quacksalvers with no memory of the bullshit it once contained.

Foot Wanker n. reflexologist. A medical numpty with a foot fetish under the misapprehension that the feet are connected to the pancreas.

Juju Jedi n. Reiki Master. One skilled in the ancient art of convincing the naïve minded that spiritual healing works and the laws of nature are wrong.

Prick Therapy n. acupuncture. The ancient Chinese martial art of stabbing people with small needles.

Quartz Quacks n. Crystal Therapist. A Woo-monger of immense gullibility prone to frequent misuse of the word “energy”.

Spine Wizard n. chiropractor. A caster of subluxation spells.

Wife Beating v. cupping. The pointless bruising of daft tarts.


Anymore?

The National Ch’i Transfusion Service

Many alternative therapies predate modern medical science and often centre around a life force or energy.

Acupuncture, Reiki, Shiatsu and Chiropractic treatments all have origins in the belief that some energy force flows through the body. These therapies arose from the basic philosophy of managing, controlling or balancing the Ch’i, Qi, innate life force, energy or whatever that particular therapy likes to call it.

However, if healing is simply a matter of balancing or restoring these forces, why have I never seen one of these?


Do something amazing today, give Qi.
My arse

Celebrity Quack Trumps

Following the immensely successful God Trumps featured in New Humanist, I was surprised that I couldn’t find a similar offering for alternative medicine quackery. As I was shocked by the amount of celebrities who are prepared to endorse dubious alternative medicines, I thought that perhaps some Celebrity Quack Trumps were called for. Here’s the first batch...



The following resources were used to gather the information on these cards.

Trick or Treatment by Simon Singh & Edzard Ernst
Bad Science by Ben Goldacre
Whatstheharm.net by Tim Farley
Skepdic.com by Robert T. Carroll


Postscript:
After talking to some people at Skeptics in the Pub last night, I realised that quite a few people don’t know how to play “Top Trumps”. I thought it was a global phenomenon, but according to Wikipedia it was more of a British Schoolboy 1970’s thing. Perhaps this is why US links have been referring to them as Collectors Cards, presumably more akin to collecting a set of cards given away with chewing gum. “Top Trumps” were always sold as a complete set to enable you to play the game, and in case you actually want to play top trumps with them, here are the rules.

A “Bob Dylan” styled Alternative Medicine Protest Song

I was on the train, coming home from work last night listening to Bob Dylan’s “Masters of War” and reading Simon Singh & Edzard Ernst’s “Trick or Treatment”, when the words of the song started to transform.

Hopefully you're familiar with the 1963 masterpiece “Masters of War” taken from “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan”, otherwise the following song probably wont work.

Anyway in honour of the multitude of purveyors of alternative medicine woo, I have taken the liberty of rewriting Dylan’s song……..


Come you masters of woo
You that believe in reiki
You that believe in crystals
You that believe in feng shui
Your aromatherapy
Is such an unlikely thing
I just don't want you to know
I have read Simon Singh

You that never healed no one
‘cept placebo effect
Your pills are just sugar
That’s what I suspect
You crack my poor spine
And stick pins in my smile
Then choose to ignore
A controlled clinical trial

Your homeopaths
Who delude and deceive
Distilled water has memory
They want me to believe
There’s no active ingredient
Not one single bit
But if water has memory
Your cures full of shit

You spread misinformation
And don’t vaccinate
With herd immunity lost
Children suffer your fate
You preach from your platform
On Oprah Winfrey
You might as well go
On a mad killing spree

Spine wizards can sue
If they don’t like my song
Your plethora of evidence
Has been proved to be wrong
You’ll regret the exposure
Of this I am sure
For colic and asthma
You don’t have a cure

You won't find my Ch’i
It doesn’t exist
Stop stabbing your pins
Please don’t persist
I have no meridian
To poke with a needle
Please try and see why
Your science is so feeble

Herbal remedies sound natural
What harm could they do?
Untested, unproven
They’re trialling on you
If they turn out to work
Then you’ll have to forgive
They can no longer be classed
As alternative

Crystals and reiki
You’re having a laugh
Not any more likely
Than a flying giraffe
If you believe in that crap
Then you have to admit
You’re lacking in reason
You credulous tit


Kudos must also been given to Dale Williams who’s mastery of the musical parody technique also served as inspiration.

New Wing Opened at the Prince of Woos Hospital

A lot of people berate the Prince of Wales as a flappy eared sack of shite; nonetheless, it’s good to give credit, where credit is due. For example, the numb-nuts cretin himself recently opened the new wing of the Prince of Woos hospital. Much to the annoyance of local quacks and charlatans, the new wing will specialise in offering science based medicine as a complementary treatment to its vast selection of popular existing therapies.

The opening of the new wing went ahead successfully despite protests from outraged pretty ladies in nice floral dresses claiming that the new wing would be offering medicine that was based on proven randomised, placebo controlled double blind clinical trials. The protestors formed a cordon of negative energy around the new wing to prevent access, which to their dismay had no effect whatsoever.

Talking at a recent press conference the Prince told a begonia that: “A lot of people berate me for being a flappy eared sack of shite” before he was unfortunately punched in the balls by a clumsy well wisher. A spokesman for the Prince of Woos Hospital Dr Goldacre commented that he “thought it was probably a bit more complicated than that”.