Friday, 10 July 2009

A “Bob Dylan” styled Alternative Medicine Protest Song

I was on the train, coming home from work last night listening to Bob Dylan’s “Masters of War” and reading Simon Singh & Edzard Ernst’s “Trick or Treatment”, when the words of the song started to transform.

Hopefully you're familiar with the 1963 masterpiece “Masters of War” taken from “The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan”, otherwise the following song probably wont work.

Anyway in honour of the multitude of purveyors of alternative medicine woo, I have taken the liberty of rewriting Dylan’s song……..

Come you masters of woo
You that believe in reiki
You that believe in crystals
You that believe in feng shui
Your aromatherapy
Is such an unlikely thing
I just don't want you to know
I have read Simon Singh

You that never healed no one
‘cept placebo effect
Your pills are just sugar
That’s what I suspect
You crack my poor spine
And stick pins in my smile
Then choose to ignore
A controlled clinical trial

Your homeopaths
Who delude and deceive
Distilled water has memory
They want me to believe
There’s no active ingredient
Not one single bit
But if water has memory
Your cures full of shit

You spread misinformation
And don’t vaccinate
With herd immunity lost
Children suffer your fate
You preach from your platform
On Oprah Winfrey
You might as well go
On a mad killing spree

Spine wizards can sue
If they don’t like my song
Your plethora of evidence
Has been proved to be wrong
You’ll regret the exposure
Of this I am sure
For colic and asthma
You don’t have a cure

You won't find my Ch’i
It doesn’t exist
Stop stabbing your pins
Please don’t persist
I have no meridian
To poke with a needle
Please try and see why
Your science is so feeble

Herbal remedies sound natural
What harm could they do?
Untested, unproven
They’re trialling on you
If they turn out to work
Then you’ll have to forgive
They can no longer be classed
As alternative

Crystals and reiki
You’re having a laugh
Not any more likely
Than a flying giraffe
If you believe in that crap
Then you have to admit
You’re lacking in reason
You credulous tit

Kudos must also been given to Dale Williams who’s mastery of the musical parody technique also served as inspiration.
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