Thursday, 15 October 2009

Derek Acorah to summon the spirit of Michael Jackson

Psychic bell end, Derek Acorah is to attempt to make contact with late pop star and baby dangler, Michael Jackson as part of two specially-commissioned shows for Sky 1.

Under cover reporters from Science, Reason & Critical Thinking have infiltrated the shows script writing board and can now exclusively reveal an early draft of the show’s script. This early draft features Yvette Fielding as the host although recent press releases cite June Sarpong.

[Derek Acorah, Yvette Fielding and token Skeptic Chris French are seated around a round table in a darkened room lit only by a single dim, un-shaded light bulb suspended from the ceiling]

Derek Acorah: Spirits of the after life can you hear me?

[producer knocks light bulb cable with a stick to cause a small shake]

Yvette Fielding: [small shrill scream]

Derek Acorah: I feel a disturbance in the force.

Yvette Fielding: Who is it Derek?

Derek Acorah: I sense a presence, make yourself known, who are you?

[Dramatic Pause]

Derek Acorah: Hang on, I’m getting something


Derek Acorah: Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009), known as the "King of Pop", [citation needed] was an American musician and one of the most commercially successful and influential entertainers of all time. His unique contributions to music and dance, along with a highly publicized personal life, made him a prominent figure in popular culture for four decades.

Yvette Fielding: [Whispers] Nice research Derek.

Derek Acorah: Spirit of Michael Jackson, use my body as a medium.

[Derek bows head, closes eyes and sits still]

[producer flickers light switch]

[dramatic pause]

[Derek, opens eyes]

Derek Acorah: [in squeaky voice] hello to all my fans in the UK.

Yvette Fielding: [screams]

Chris French: Hello Michael, now that you have passed to the other side, can you tell us the meaning of life?

Derek Acorah: [in squeaky voice] If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.

Yvette Fielding: [screams]

Chris French: Can you tell us which, if any, of the religions are correct? Are you in heaven, or another dimension, or just in Derek’s delusion?

Derek Acorah: [in squeaky voice] My goal in life was to give to the world what I was lucky to receive: the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance.

Yvette Fielding: [screams]

Chris French: Is our current understanding of physics correct, is there a Higgs Boson particle, is the universe finite, are we just part of a multiverse, what happened before the big bang?

Derek Acorah: [in squeaky voice] Go and buy my new single, it’s really good.

Yvette Fielding: [screams]

Chris French: Can you give us any sort of useful information whatsoever?

Derek Acorah: [rises slowly out of seat and moonwalks backward around the table]

Yvette Fielding: [screams and shits her pants]
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