Wednesday 2 November 2011

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Religion

Religion: Some information to help you live with it.

Religion is farfetched. Really farfetched. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly farfetched it is. I mean, you may think it's fairly improbable that fairies exist, but that's just peanuts to religion. Listen ….

The Messiah

The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a Messiah as
“A humanoid deity designed to suffer the sins of man”
The marketing division of the Holy Roman Catholic Church describe a Messiah as:
 "Your Pretend Pal Who's Fun To Be With."
Curiously enough an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that fell through a temporal python warp from 1979 defined the Messiah as:
 “A very naughty boy”

The Christian Fish

Pan Galactic Communion Wine

To make your own Pan Galactic Communion Wine:

Take the blood from one body of that Ol' Christ Spirit after muttering a few magic spells over some cheap red plonk.

Add a wafer.

Drink, but very unquestioningly.

The effect is like having your brain washed by a slice of theology wrapped round a large logical impossibility.

Islamic Sermons

Islamic sermons are of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Jews of Israel. During a recitation by their chief Rabbi Yona Metzger the Groper of his sermon "Ode To A Signature I Forged One Mid Summer Morning" four of his audience suffered severe groping and the women suffered sexual harassment. Yona was reported to have denied the allegations and claimed it was a violation of the basic human rights enjoyed by every individual. The very worst sermons of all are by Anne Atkins and are aired on The Today Programme on BBC Radio 4 during Thought for the Day.

Apologies to the great DNA.


VinylTiger said...

Loved it!

Anonymous said...

I would prefer to read a more rational explanation rather than a torrent of venom which is embarrassingly immature. Grow up, Jags.

Igor Santos said...

Wow, "Anonymous" told you to grow up! How fitting!

Excelent parody. I believe DNA would approve of that.