Wednesday 31 August 2011

The Detox 2000 (Patent Pending)

In Professor Edzard Ernst’s article in today’s Guardian regarding the alternative-medicine version of detox, he states that:
"Unless someone is very severely ill, the elimination of toxins is most efficiently being taken care of by various organs – for instance, the liver, kidneys, skin, lungs and the gut. In a healthy person, the function of these systems is already optimal. No improvements are needed or can be achieved by detox therapies."
This is of course simply because the currently available alternative medicine detox techniques such as diet supplements, goji berries, and even the old hosepipe up the jacksie routine are simply not sufficiently potent enough to have any effect beyond the body’s natural detoxifying processes.

As there is clearly a market for a more effective form of alternative detox, our team of crack scientists at Science, Reason and Critical Thinking has worked through his lunch break to develop the Detox 2000 (Patent Pending).

Ernst states that currently available colon cleansing techniques have been unable to show good clinical evidence to prove that they lower toxin levels in the body. As previously stated this is probably just because the gentle nature of the currently available colonic irrigation systems are simply not aggressive enough to remove the more stubborn clingons from the colon wall. This will not be a problem for the Detox 2000 (patent pending).

The Detox 2000 (Patent Pending) uses a heavy duty industrial standard high pressure blaster to thrust a specially prepared cocktail of bleach, ground chillies and fun snaps at a pressure of 800 bar (1,670,834 Pounds / Square Foot) into the patient’s lower colonic access portal.  

The Detox 2000 (Patent Pending) is the ideal detox remedy for today’s self-indulgent consumers, allowing them to eat whatever the hell they like, whenever they like, safe in the knowledge that they can always ram their Detox 2000 (Patent Pending) up their arseholes as soon as they get home.

BTW has anyone got an email address for Duncan Bannatyne or Deborah Meaden? I’m looking for an investment of £87.70 (for a days tool hire in order to conduct a clinical trial on the dog), in exchange for 20% equity in the Detox 2000 (Patent Pending).


brian t said...

I wish Frank Zappa was still around to see this ... "don't fool yourself, girl, it's going right up your poop chute" 8)

I'm surprised Prof. Ernst doesn't mention Boots in his piece: having "detox" products in one of the most ubiquitous High Street shops is a major part of the problem, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

I stongly object to the testing of Detox 2000 on a poor dog. Maybe you could use a scientologist instead? They are after all barely sentient and therefore exempt from cruelty laws.



Tony Ryan said...

Boots need to take some serious responisibility for the misinformation being sold to the eager, but unconsciously ignorant public. I try to share the message - - but even when I explain to people that things like homeopathy and 'healing' herbs are useless they still say 'What's the harm?"! *head: meet brick wall*

Ed said...

Yes, now onward, onward to the Mkll with reverse thrust and virtual vacuum pump capability.

A BS extractor of this order might even cure the likes of Faith Foundation syndrome - a glittering prize or am I being hopelessly optimistic?