Thursday 12 August 2010

The scientific formula for the perfect nonsense scientific formula

We’re all familiar with the pseudo scientific formulas beloved of the media when attempting to add an air of scientific credibility to a crackpot idea or marketing campaign.

These crimes against logic are not peculiar to the Daily Mail either, I’ve seen formulas for the perfect handshake, the perfect penalty kick, the perfect hourglass figure, how to make the perfect cup of tea, the most depressing day of the year and even how to park your car perfectly touted by numerous main stream media sources.

So I thought I’d help them out by writing a scientific formula for creating the perfect nonsense scientific formula.

Here you go:

Ce = Celebrity (Wherever possible ensure your formula is either relevant to or endorsed by a celebrity

l = Celebrity Status (Obviously your formula is more potent with an A-List celebrity, but take whatever you can get)

tp = Topicality (publish your formula to coincide with a relevant time of year, prominent event, associated news item, disaster or holiday season)

cr = Credibility of the scientist you can cajole into knocking up your nonsense formula

bs = associated nonsense


Kimpatsu said...

I think I'll write a formula to teach people to use the apostrophe correctly, Crispian...

Michael Kingsford Gray said...

You neglected to explain that for which "f" was an abbreviation...

Anonymous said...

1) Assuming "*" means multiplication why is "x" there, mixing them is not good.

2) The brackets serve no purpose.

3) Ce exp -l works better as third rate celebs are worse than first rate celebs.

3) As the sum of all associated nonsense is obviously greater than anything you put in the top line the function will always be less than one. Sounds OK to me!


Michael Kingsford Gray said...

Kimpatsu said...
"I think I'll write a formula to teach people to use the apostrophe correctly, Crispian..."

Youd' be battling trying to teach Grocer's how to use apostrophe's