Saturday, 20 April 2013

The Conspiracy Theory Flowchart "THEY" Don't Want You To See


Had enough government rhetoric? Tired of following the sheeple? Fed up with believing what THEY want you to believe? Maybe it's time to branch out and discover THE TRUTH.

If you're new to the exciting world of conspiracy theories and just can't decide which paranoid delusion best suits you, then why not use this handy flowchart to find your ideal conspiracy theory. Then you too can go and stick it to THE MAN.



"You know, this explains a lot. Because all my life, I've had this unaccountable feeling in my bones that something sinister was happening in the universe and that no one would tell me what it was." Arthur Dent


NB This is not intended to be a complete list, but please don't let that stop you commenting to let me know what I've missed off :)

70 comments:

David J Mudkips said...

The only flaw I can find is a few typos.

Otherwise, I'm off to buy tinfoil shares.

Anonymous said...

You left out Morgellons.

Jo Ann Law McGrath said...

I would be fascinated to see inside your head.34

Anonymous said...

I believe you forgot The Black Pope / Jesuits.

Geege Schuman said...

Per Adam Rifkin: Bushes / Carlyle Group?

John S. Wilkins said...

The gubmint caused 9/11 with the CIA.

Marco said...

Hi. I'm a collaborator at a portuguese science/skepticism blog, and I was wondering if I could have your permission to translate the flowchart so that our non-English speakers could appreciate it as well? We will link it back to you of course.

Anonymous said...

Lyme disease

Erin said...

This is genius, thanks for sharing. LOL

Cal said...

This is remarkably spot-on.

Anonymous said...

Very well done! I love it, so many in one place and so well described. in breaking news is the "False Flag" operation in Boston. Gee, that hit YouTube in about 48 hours from a variety of sources. Ever have the pleasure of catching "Coast to Coast AM" on the radio (also has an internet presence)? What a treasure trove of mixed nuts.

Anonymous said...

Very nice! Do you have a pad version?

uncle pete said...

Missing the whore of Babylon

Anonymous said...

Agenda 21

Anonymous said...

Planet X!

Galbinus_Caeli said...

That is a piece of beauty, but you have missed.... oh, it doesn't matter.

Galbinus_Caeli said...

Oh! I did that wrong! Should have said:
That is a piece of beauty, but you have missed....you must be in on it

Rich said...

No mention of the Freemasons... which can only mean that you are a Mason and this is Masonic misinformation designed to blind us from the truth. I'm on to you! Time for my meds.

Anonymous said...

The first question should be.

Has there been secret and criminal plots by influential humans, both in government and private sector?

And no questions about Rothschild's?
And why this crap about the anticrist? Some illuminati and freemasons may be "luciferians" or whatever, but the real question is, who owns the banks and money?

mekongdoctorblues said...

Your depth is awe-inspiring...your imagination way too complicated and complex to be anything BUT the product of a dented universe...I knew I knew you...all those universes ago..and way before any idiotic 'Big Bang' which thankfully you avoided in your letter..say hello next time we get pinned down...Brother A+

Jonathan MS Pearce said...

Hi there

Can I repost this on A Tippling Philosopher?

http://www.skepticink.com/tippling/

Looking forward to your talk at Portsmouth SITP.

Jonathan MS Pearce

Anonymous said...

You're missing a huge broad black arrow which bypasses everything and says "I don't believe any of this crap : everything my government tells me is gospel - politicians tell the truth and can be trusted"

And then at the bottom "welcome to the land of compliance - where we tell you what to think, do and when to fart - sorry dumbass - it's too late to go back"

Reginald Selkirk said...

Tinfoil is out, Velostat is in.

App said...

What? No mention of The Gay Agenda?

Kimi said...

I love your twisted logic! You're one of THEM, aren't you?

Michael Z. Williamson said...

This is just agitprop to distract people. Go ahead and laugh. You can't hide the truth. It's public knowledge that Monsanto owns Blackwater and had them set off the Boston bombs. Prediction: We'll be at war in Africa within 6 months, and Haliburton/KBR will have the contract for support. All the food will be Monsanto GMO carefully designed to sterilize the locals and keep the military pliant.

FOLLOW THE MONEY!

Aubrey Robertson said...

Beautiful illustration!

@Michael:Public knowledge? Gimme a break. How can you be so certain of what is obviously blatant conjecture? Isn't that the definition of dogma?

George Henderson said...

It's perfectly obvious to everyone who hasn't been brainwashed that conspiracies theories are all generated by the CIA, with a little help from MOSSAD, for the purpose of making gullible and excitable people look dumber and crazier than they already are, because gullible, excitable people will be the most dangerous ones in any coming revolution/witchhunt.

SubSight said...

- Monsanto vs Cannabis
- Religion vs Hallucinogens
- Oil....

Anonymous said...

Hey Crispian Jago! We love your chart & would love to use it for our German youngsters in our project http://no-nazi.net. Can we translate your chart into German and post it with reference to you on our blog?

Crispian Jago said...

@Anna

No Problem
Crispian

Anonymous said...

Aren't Fluoridation and Chemtrails more about fucking with our minds and bodies than to actually kill us ?

Anonymous said...

Question: the "Global Warming" box, does it represent climate-change deniers or does it mean that the creators of this flowchart think that climate change is a hoax? I hope it's not the latter!

Julia Riber Pitt said...

Just one thing:

HOW THE HELL IS "AIDS DENIAL" EVEN A THING???

Seriously!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous mentionned Morgellons. Even though I HAVE it, it belongs in there somewhere between GM crops and big pharma and sinister govt experiments. Don't forget chemtrails and most important, supersubliminal media-based mind-control. That harmonic structure formed by all the extra bits in digtal broadcasting has the secret agenda encoded into it in a form that causes extracranial electromagnetic stimulation, you know. Look up the God Helmet on Wikipedia. :)

Christine said...

What about Denver International Airport?

Robert Saunders said...

And Shakespeare never wrote Shakespeare. Though I'm not sure what THEY benefit by wanting to make us believe that he did. Luckily, it doesn't matter as we're not gullible. We just can't agree amongst ourselves who did all the writing so another detailed flowchart might be necessary

Anonymous said...

There is a reason DIA looks like a bunch of skinny, undernourished tits. Fasion model tits catch attention (be it adoration or disgust) so nobody notices the flying saucers coming and going and the phalanxes of marching NWO troops in their shimmery near-invisibility laserproof FLIR-fooling, tank-killer round stopping Jesus robes.

Chippo Old said...

@Julia Riber Pitt:
http://www.badscience.net/2009/04/matthias-rath-steal-this-chapter/

Anonymous said...

Funny how in this the pharma giants come up in the midst of the entire delusional paranoia displayed here! Good for you though, I have never seen the crayons from the sanatorium used to make paranoia charts on the internet! Take your meds and get some sleep! :P

Anonymous said...

H1N1
MRSA

Ben Busy from the Bean said...

why don't any of these end in "fnord" or "42" ?

Ben Busy from the Bean said...

holy shit, mine was the 42nd comment! CONSPIRACY!!!!! YES IT IS TRUE I AM AN AGENT OF THE MATRIX DRESSED LIKE AN MIB MASQUERADING AS RAY CHARLES IN WHITE FACE FROM 1952.

André Lamelas said...

You missed the link to where we can buy it as a poster. Because I want that and I'm sure THEY want it too! :)

Anonymous said...

May Eris cast her golden apple into this hall. Did y'all know that the dwarf planet Eris, not the dark side of the moon, is where the Greys have their secret base? I think Agrajag's Cathedral of Hate is there too. Fnord.

The capcha below is a misspelling of my best friend's name. He has terminal cancer and I suddenly can't get ahold of him for over a week to spot him a couple benjis to fix his car. That is not a conspiracy theory. Just a painful but real coincidence. Not everything is a conspiracy. Sometimes things would make more sense if it all was. That, I think, is the underlying psychology behind conspiracy theories - people want to attribute everything to something. God, Illuminati, MegaCorps, sure, they are ALL guilty of some things. But study your quantum theory. Some shit, as disturbing as it is, just happens.

Paul said...

man, THEY want you to think it's actually the Bilderberg Group, Illuminati etc. in control! and by THEY I mean, of course, the Parrot Head Club... constantly singing that they "don't know" where they're going to go when the volcano blows, when in fact THEY know damn well that: a) they'll be safely hunkering down in their volcano proof bunkers and b) that THEY are the ones controlling the damn volcanos in the first place!

Andrew Bowen said...

The Monetary Sytem.

I suggest a homework item would to expand on this idea inclusive of all comments posted. I think you will find the monetary system shaping a lot of these theories.

It is a great visual social commentary on this part of our society. It is good to reflect these ideas onto our current social norms and explore what are the reasons our society is uncomfortable with them.

Look forward to your future efforts.

John Digby said...

So, what you are saying here, is that whichever way your turn ther is "someone" out to get us? Is there NO way out????

If there is, please let me know as I want OUT!!!

Anonymous said...

you put a lot of work into discrediting an obvious conclusion...
there is plenty of fishy things going on... all you have to do is open your eyes and mind and i do not mean becoming a FAN (fanatic)of anything... not every person questioning the authenticity of official information and the media is wearing a aluminium foil hat, nor does he advocate to wear one

Daria said...

Fluoridated water. I hear about that one a lot.

Skynet said...

The real danger is the upcoming rise of the machines.

Anonymous said...

What about the one where Halliburton manipulated W Bush into invading Iraq so they could get all the fat contracts? Hang on...

Anonymous said...

Corporations are people!

RoadScholar said...

Does the Chart only operate properly on St. Crispin's Day?

Anonymous said...

LOL ! pergection !

Matt Snodgrass said...

How about multiple chemical sensitivity

Louis Morelli said...

The most real and dangerous conspiracy against humans is not mentioned here because the author don't know: the selfish gene inherited from the Matrix/DNA as closed system in shape of galaxies, which already got ours ancestors once time (Adam and Eve as primitive systems)and now is being reproduced here, driven us to the Brave New World, under the Big Queen Mother. It means the prison of minds. I am telling you: the negative force of Matrix is here...

Anonymous said...

Fermi's paradoxes related conspiracys such as the Solips.

Anonymous said...

Chadwick Jones naively believes this explains what he simply does not understand yet, or does, and is an agent provocateur disinformatist promoter of it, just as ALEX JONE$, Glenn Beck, The Crime Family P$AUL and fellow travelers are.

Very similar to the role John (Liebowitz) Stewart's Daily Show plays: http://goo.gl/0rHQh

Anonymous said...

We ARE amused!

Anonymous said...

So Crispin Jago, that self-confessed "ex-hippy, failed bassist and freelance IT consultant" says he is giving "unevidenced beliefs perpetuated by misinformation ... delusion, fraud and indoctrination the respect they duly deserve"!

I assume that includes the "fraud and misinformation" about UFOs perpetuated by:

1. Air Chief Marshall Hugh Caswall Tremenheere Dowding, 1st Baron Dowding GCB, GCVO, CMG Commander of the RAF fighter command during the battle of Britain, who said "I am convinced these objects do exist and they are not manufactured by any nation on earth."

2. Lieutenant Colonel Phillip Corso, Battalion Commander of European Air Defence, Chief of Special Projects branch of the Intelligence Division, Far East Command under General Douglas McArthur, member of Eisenhower's National Security Council staff, Chief of the Pentagon's Foreign Technology desk in Army Research and Development. Co-Author of The Day After Roswell in which he explains reverse engineering alien technology, who said "When that truth of alien intervention in our planet's affairs and our ongoing contact with an alien culture is finally revealed, it won't be frightening even though it will be a shock."

3. Admiral Roscoe Hillenkoetter Commander of the USS MIssouri in 1946, Director of the CIA (1947 to 1950), Member of board of governors of the National Investigations Committee on Aerial Phenomena (1957-1962), who said "Behind the scenes, high-ranking Air Force officers are soberly concerned about the UFOs. But through official secrecy and ridicule, many citizens are led to believe the unknown flying objects are nonsense."

4. Paul Hellyer, Former Canadian Minister for Defence and longest serving current member of the Privy Council, who said "The classification was, from the outset, above Top Secret, so the vast majority of U.S. officials and politicians, let alone a mere allied minister of defence, were never in the loop . . . The time has come to lift the veil of secrecy and let the truth emerge so there can be a real and informed debate about the one of the most important problems facing our planet today."

5. Colonel Joseph Bryan, Founder of the CIA's psychological warfare staff, special assistant to the secretary of the Air Force, advisor to NATO, board member of the National Investigations Committee on Aerial Phenomena who said "I am aware that hundreds of military and airline pilots, airport personnel, astronomers, missile trackers and other competent observers have reported sightings . . . These UFOs are interplanetary devices systematically observing the earth, either manned or under remote control, or both."

6. Benjamin Childlaw, Lieutenant General and Commander in Chief of the joint service Continental Air Defence Command (1954-5), who said ". . . we have lost many men and planes trying to intercept them."

Who would a thinking person believe?

Crispian Jago said...

@anon, I trust you've transcribed the names of your distinguished UFO believers more accurately than mine. Wouldn’t want to perpetrate even more misinformation.

John 54 said...

Dowding was a member of the Fairy Investigation Society[17] and of the Ghost Club. Although he knew that people considered him a crank for his belief in fairies, Dowding believed that fairies "are essential to the growth of plants and the welfare of the vegetable kingdom".[18]

The Day After Roswell is an American book about extraterrestrial spacecraft and the Roswell UFO incident. It was written by United States Army Colonel Philip J. Corso, with help from William J. Birnes, and was published as a tell-all memoir by Pocket Books in 1997, a year before Corso's death. The book claims that an extraterrestrial spacecraft crashed near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 and was recovered by the United States government who then sought to cover up all evidence of extraterrestrials. The Guardian included the book in its list of "Top Ten literary hoaxes".

In November 2005, he |Hellyer| accused U.S. President George W. Bush of plotting an "Intergalactic War". The former defence minister told an audience at the University of Toronto:
"The United States military are preparing weapons which could be used against the aliens, and they could get us into an intergalactic war without us ever having any warning...The Bush Administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the goings and comings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide."[8]

Source: Wikipedia

Alien nuts have been found all over the world, not just at Roswell.

Anonymous said...

Apologies "Crispian" - and yours was easy compared to "Tremenheere."

And John 54 - Have you considered what Isaac Newton, probably the greatest scientific genius of all time "believed"? God, devils, the coming apocalypse in 2034 (or 2060), prophetic interpretation of the bible, alchemy, Rosicrucianism ..." Do you discount all of Newtons "theories" because of his radical mysticism/occultism? And what do you have against fairies anyway?

And re Corso book - Guardian calls it a hoax ... based on what? The fact that they don't believe him? That's compelling!

Jonathan MS Pearce said...

@Crispian

Hi there. I reposted this here on my blog:
http://www.skepticink.com/tippling/2013/04/28/the-conspiracy-theory-flowchart-they-dont-want-you-to-see/

Several random posters have asked what programme you used to make this. Any chance of knowing?

Cheers

JP

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the great laugh! But you left out Homeopathy.

Anonymous said...

"You know, this explains a lot. Because all my life, I've had this unaccountable feeling in my bones that something sinister was happening in the universe and that no one would tell me what it was." Arthur Dent
"That's just perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe has that." Slartibartfast
"Everyone?" Arthur
"Oh yes, everyone".

Anonymous said...

The "Aviary Group" should be on the chart ;-)

Anonymous said...

don't forget the swedish conspiracy...
http://ftp.acc.umu.se/conspiracy/

Anonymous said...

Someone said it all earlier. Just FOLLOW THE BIG MONEY! It explains everything!